Running and Getting Nowhere
by Hope Shalott
Summary: Sam's composure cracks after Leah's desertion from the pack. Told in three parts.
1. Part One

**Disclaimer:** Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer..

**Summary: **Sam's composure cracks after Leah's desertion from the pack. Told in three parts.

* * *

**Part One**

* * *

It's hard to make sense of what just happened over the din in my head. Jacob has just defied my orders and everyone has an opinion about it. I can hear the muttering, ranging from outright anger to begruding admiration, and it's so deafening that I didn't even think of keeping an eye on Seth. I should have know he would run but honestly, I was still caught up in my own sense of command. It was hard enough to come to terms with the fact that Jacob had been able to break away that I couldn't even consider that Seth may be able to follow him. I didn't even consider that he may have wanted to. For the first time in a long time, I felt unsure of myself.

_What are you going to do?_ Quil's panic was clear. His mental high five towards Jacob as he broke free was still playing on my mind though it didn't seem so admirable to him now that he'd consider just exactly what that may mean. _Sam! _

I turned on him, jaws snapping together in a growl. I needed space to think and I couldn't do that with everyone's thoughts in my head.

_If anything happens to him, Rachel is going to be fucking distraught. We can't go after them now. _

_Calm down, Paul. _Jared replied._ We're not going to make any rash decisions. We just need to take some time to think this over. _

I mentally sent a thanks his way. His ability to keep it together was a big help to me right now but his words had little effect on Quil and Embry. I couldn't really blame them, they were worried for their friend afterall. The younger wolves pottered around in dazed confusion. They looked up to me, believed me to be stronger than any of the others. They weren't experienced enough to hide their disappointment and the unintended accusation burned.

_Sam? _

I spun at the female voice, surprised for a moment that Leah was even with us and then I realised why. Through all the din, hers was the only voice I hadn't heard. That could only mean she was trying to keep her thoughts on the matter well hidden.

She looked at me, big brown eyes wide. Eyes far too human for a wolf's face. _I need to go let my mom know what's happened. _

I tuned into her mind, trying to search for some indication that she was intending to go and warn Jacob or Seth about what we were planning, then I realised that even if she wanted to, she couldn't. We didn't have any plans to share. I tried to dig a little deeper, get some sense of what she was really feeling but I slammed up against a mental block. When it came to Leah, that was nothing new. She went to whatever lengths she could to try and keep me out of her head...I just hadn't realised how skilled she'd become at it.

Truth be told, I was curious about her reaction. I wondered if she had enjoyed seeing someone stand up to me in a way that she couldn't. That some part of her still didn't want to.

I sent a mental nod her way. _Okay. Go tell Sue, then meet us back at Emily's._

I caught a mental wince at Emily's name but she dipped her head in submission and broke off into a run. Within seconds, the sound of paws hitting dirt had faded.

_Everyone phase. We'll go back to Emily's and talk through our options. _

* * *

The scent of freshly baked pancakes greeted us as we made our way towards the house I shared with Em but for the first time in a few years at least, I didn't feel hungry. My stomach was full with panic. Emily greeted me with a bright smile, her face falling when she saw the expression on my face.

"What's going on.....what's wrong?" She asked, her beautiful face full of worry. I told her what had happened, pulling her into a hug as her eyes filled with tears. Over my shoulder, I saw the untouched plate of muffins and realised just how serious this was.

I pulled back, taking Emily's face in my hands. I kissed the scars, etched into her skin---the product

of my anger and desperation for her to love me. It was always the first thing I did whenever I saw her because I wanted her to know that she was still beautiful to me. I wanted her to know how sorry I was. She smiled up at me, still sniffling a little.

"It'll be okay," she said and I marvelled at her optimism. "Seth will come home if Sue tells him to."

A round of bitter laughter filled the room. Everyone knew just how scary Sue Clearwater could be when she was pissed off. She'd probably go round to the leeches house herself and drag him out by the scruff of his neck if Leah wasn't there to stop her. If it did come down to a fight, at least Seth would be safe

Another half hour of weighted silence and desperate attempts at optimism passed. I was beginning to worry about Leah, if she didn't show up soon, I'd phase and check in with her. I was just about to head out to see if she was near when I heard footsteps coming up the path. Human footsteps. I inhaled deeply. Sue Clearwater, but Leah wasn't with her. She marched up the path, hair messed as though she'd been awoken from sleep. Sue worked as a nurse at the local hospital and she was due to work the night shift.

I moved towards her, the door opening behind me. The others must have heard her coming. Emily stood beside me, her hand a comforting weight on my arm. For a moment, panic overwhelmed me as I wondered whether Leah had been hurt. "Is Leah okay?" I asked, feeling Emily's hand grip me tighter as I mentioned her cousin's name.

Sue looked furious. "No, Leah is not okay," she spat. "And I want to know what you plan to do about it?"

"What's happened?" I moved a half step forward and Emily moved her arm around my waist. I wasn't sure if she was reacting to the possibility that her cousin may be hurt or the desperate panic in my voice.

"Leah's gone." Sue said, arms folded. "She's gone to find Jacob and Seth. She says she's not coming back."

My heart broke. There's no other way to describe it. The blow was so unexpected I physically felt it in my gut and I hated most the fact that I didn't see it coming. I'd given into the fucking complacency that her feelings for me inspired. And I despised myself for even considering that she might have still loved me enough to stay with me, despite everything I put her through. Everyone was silent, all eyes on me. I could feel Emily's gaze boring into me, assessing my reaction. I saw the flicker of resentment cross her features and for a split second, I felt bitter. She had everything I could give and she would begrudge me a moment to feel for the girl I'd destroyed? Her comforting grasp felt like chains but the instinct to pull away faded within seconds.

"Why would she do that?" I whispered and I knew it was a stupid question the moment it left my lips, and judging by everyone's expression, they knew it to. None of us could hide from the truth, it was quite fucking obvious why Leah would run the first moment she got and even if they were irritated by her pain and bitterness, none of them could really deny her it.

I sat down at the table, and leaned my head back against the wall. Not even caring that everyone was watching to see how I was taking this news. I closed my eyes and remembered all of the times I'd thought it would have been easier if Leah had never phased, or if I'd met Emily first. I thought of how much easier it would have been if I didn't have to be inside her head, if I didn't have to have her inside mine---intruding on every memory and moment that passed between Emily and I. Making the woman I loved more than life itself feel uncomfortable.

Now all I could think about was how I could get her back.

* * *

We spent the next few hours discussing tactics and options. Attacking the Cullens was out. The loss we would surely incurr was unacceptable and the risk, now that they had been forewarned, had become way to high. Sue headed back home incase one of her children returned. She called minutes after she'd left to let us know that she'd tried Leah's cell again only to find it in her room. None of her clothes had been taken, she'd left them way she'd came---empty handed.

It began to rain not long after Sue called. Leah would rather sleep on a bed of nails in the middle of a snowstorm than bed down at the leeches. She blamed them for everything that happened. She hated them, despised their very existence but how much could she hate me that this seemed a better option for her? I knew it still hurt but I'd thought things were getting better. She was going to be a bridesmaid, she was moving on.

But not enough that she would rather sleep outside in the rain than be anywhere near me. The realisation of what she was willing to go through to get away from me hurt like hell.

"Sam, honey....," I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even hear Emily come up behind me. She was carrying a platter of food---bacon and eggs. I still wasn't hungry but the sight of it made me realise something else. Leah hated eating as a wolf, she absolutely hated it. And there was no way that she'd be able to stomach any food given to her by the vampires. She'd always had a keen sense of smell and anything they offered up would practically be crawling with their stink.

My stomach dropped as I imagined her tired and cold and starving. Yeah, Jacob was with her but he didn't know her like I did and she'd do whatever she had to do to make Seth believe that she was okay even if it meant suffering in silence. Neither of them would be able to take care of her. All they saw was the strong, tenacious wolf. They didn't know about the girl who hated camping and used to want to puke at the smell of meat.

"Sam....," Emily's voice was firmer this time. She handed me the platter and I took it without question. She smoothed her hands over my face but I didn't lean into her touch like I usually did, not until I could see that it bothered her. She took a seat next to me.

"Come to bed, honey. The others have settled in the living room for the night."

I nodded. I'd insisted that they stay, however cramped it may be having ten----seven, I thought sadly, werwolves packed into a space as tiny as our living room. I wanted to be absolutely sure that they were safe and I didn't put it past the Cullens to attack us in the middle of the night. Not when something as important as family was on the line.

I let Emily lead me by the hand and I crawled into bed still fully clothed. She lay down beside me whispering reassurances in my ear that did nothing to reassure me. I wondered where Leah was sleeping tonight. Was she tired? Hungry? Crying herself to sleep as she realised just how much of a failure I really was?

It was my fault, all of it. How could anyone blame her for being hurt? How could anyone blame her for running away from me when every thought that flickered through my head, every sight of my fucking face, was an insult to the memories she still had of us? Memories that I hadn't bothered to even think about since the day I'd imprinted.

I waited until Emily was asleep until I slipped out of bed. I sat outside, on the ground, back against the brick wall, and I made myself remember. Leah deserved that much at least.


	2. Part Two

**Disclaimer: **Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

**Summary**: Sam's composure cracks after Leah's desertion from the pack. Told in three parts.

* * *

**Part Two**

* * *

By the next morning, I'd made a decision. I went to talk to the Elders first, to get their opinions on what they thought I should do about the Cullens but I'd already decided what I was going to do about Leah---and Seth and Jacob.

Billy and Old Quil thought it best to hold off on any attack. Jacob was family to them both and neither wanted him caught up in this. Besides, Billy thought that his son would come round when the baby was born and he saw just how dangerous it could be. No one mentioned Bella Swan, though I'm sure everyone was thinking about her.

"Jared," I called him over. I'd already decided to make Jared my Beta until the situation had been resolved. He'd impressed me with his ability to stay calm and I needed that more than ever, especially since I was beginnining to feel that I might be falling apart myself.

"I need you to do something for me," I told him. "I need you to meet with Jake---and the others. I need you to try and talk them into coming home. Say whatever you have to to get them back."

Jared nodded and I walked away beckoning for him to we were out of earshot, I continued. "I need you to tell Leah that I'm sorry. I want her back--- where she belongs." I swallowed against my guilt. "I used to call her Lee-Lee, remember? That was my name for her."

Jared nodded and I knew he understood. I just hoped Leah would understand too. I knew Jared would follow my orders but I couldn't dodge the accusation in his eyes. We'd been friends for years and he knew me almost better than anyone. Even better than Emily in some regards. He knew the man I had been before the imprinting and it was clear that he thought I was making a mistake.

He ducked his head and headed back towards the house. "Jared, don't take Embry with you." I called after him. I was surprisingly optimistic that by the time he got back this would all be resolved but I still couldn't take the risk of losing Embry. Quil had ties to my pack but now, Embry was free to come and go as he wanted. I knew that only the thought of leaving Quil alone was stopping him but there was no telling if he could resist the tempation to run if he saw Jacob, especially if Jacob wasn't in the best of condtions. I didn't want to chance it.

* * *

Emily met me in the kitchen when I got back. The house was quiet and I guessed that the others had scattered to give us some time alone. "They're still close by," she said, regarding my questioning glance. "I asked them to give us some privacy. We haven't really had a chance to discuss everything that's been going on."

She wrapped her arms around my waist and leaned back to look up at me. She smiled softly. "Talk to me, Sam. I know this has been hard on you."

I didn't speak because I didn't know what to say. I racked my brains for an answer that would make her happy but I found nothing. She held me tighter face pressed against my chest. I could feel the raised edges of her scars through my shirt and my arms went around her as guilt overwhelmed me.

She sighed softly. "I know you feel guilty...about Leah."

The name sent a shock of cold up my back but Emily didn't seem to notice. She continued. " But you can't blame yourself, Sam. She made her choice."

"Did she choose for me to hurt her the way I did?" I muttered, almost afraid to say the words outloud because I knew I was opening a can of worms that we'd always kept tightly closed.

Emily pulled back slightly, her good eye searching my face for some sign of what I was feeling. "You had no choice, Sam. Neither of us did." she sighed. "Look, I know it sucks but we were meant to be together. It was always supposed to be me and you." I flinch as I remember the time that Leah threw those same words back at me, right after I broke her heart.

Emily reaches up to me, takes my face in her hands. "I've loved you since I knew you even existed, Sam. I know it's horrible but even when you were just Leah's boyfriend and she was telling me how wonderful you were, I loved you. It was like I knew you were made for me."

The admission that once filled me with happiness, that seemed to cement our destiny together, now seem callous. My past glorification of them disgusts me. I pull away from Emily and she calls out to me. "Sam!"

I've shocked her, done something she didn't expect me to do, and automatically I need to put it right. I cross the room again, taking in my arms as tight as I can without hurting her. "I'm sorry," I mumble, raining kissed upon her shocked face " You always tell me that I didn't do anything wrong but that's not how I feel. I need to face up to what I've done, to what I've done to Leah. It's my fault and there was no excuse for it. I need you to tell me that it was my fault, Em. Please."

She smiles up at me softly. "But there was an excuse, Sam. You did the right thing. It wasn't your fault, it wasn't anyone's fault. It was just fate." And then she buries her face against my chest again.

I hold her in my arms but all I can think about is how wrong she is. Love, even a love as strong and pure as ours, is no excuse for hurting a beautiful, trusting young girl. What we did was selfish and if she'd have asked me, I would have told her the truth because I have no choice but to give her what she wants.

Emily's wants have always been my own. There's never been a desire that I didn't share and I've always been content with any decisions she's made as long as it makes her happy...but now, for the first time, I'm beginning to realise that according to fate, what I want doesn't matter. Maybe it never has.

* * *

I can tell by the look on Jared's face that my plan failed. He's angry with me and I know what part has pissed him off most. He struggled with Leah's attitude too but he's known her too long to ever hate her....or to want to see her hurt. I don't even have to ask how it went.

"They're fine---she's fine. She was a little pissed at your 'lee-lee' stunt but besides that, she seems okay." He paused, glancing over at the house. "She doesn't want to come back. Jacob gave her the choice but I got the wolf version of go fuck yourself. They're staying put. Jake doesn't want to fight but he's not going to back down either."

"How upset was she?" I asked and Jared looks at me as if I'm insane. He muttered something about getting my priorities right before he answered. "Well, you can have half of my go fuck yourself, I think that just about sums it up. What do you want me to say, man? You had to have known it was going to hurt her."

I nod. I did know but I had to take that chance that it would be enough to bring her home. Obviously, it wasn't. "And you're sure Jacob's not keeping her there against her will?" I don't even bother to hide my concern for her anymore, not in front of Jared. He sighs and rolls his eyes. I fight back the animal urge to kick his ass for disobedience.

"He's definitely not keeping her against her will. She's there because she wants to be there, for Seth---and Jacob," he adds, his expression thoughful. I don't like the assumption even if it is uncertain. It turns my stomach even thinking of it but is it so unbelievable? People do all kinds of crazy things when they are hurting. What if this situation brings them closer together? Jacob Black hasn't imprinted, not yet. There's nothing stopping them being together except the fact that they hate each other. But if Jared is right, then Leah is already beginning to warm to Jacob. She's already starting to care about him.

Jared seems to notice the panic that's rising in my chest. He grasps my shoulder and grits his teeth. "Get a grip, man. Leah's a big girl, she can do what she wants but you're imprinted. Think about Emily."

"Jared," I whisper. "Haven't you noticed that we've had to give everything for this imprint? That what we want doesn't matter anymore?"

I might have well have asked him why the sky was purple with green spots. He has no idea what I'm talking about, just turns out the soulmate and destiny speil and lets go of my shoulder with a sigh.

"Look, Sam. Emily is your imprint. Forget about Leah fucking Clearwater. That girl has been nothing but trouble since the day she phased. Hell, she doesn't even have to be present to cause a fucking shitstorm. Emily is the woman you love, the woman you're supposed to be with. Don't throw it all away for nothing."

"Why has she been so much trouble?" I ask, my voice taking on a note of anger. I really dont like him talking about Leah that way. "What has she done that's so bad besides making us question the legends---making us question the imprinting?"

"Making _you _question the imprinting!" Jared snaps back, "Because you know, some of us are pretty fucking happy with our _soulmates_."

"Really?" I hit back, "Because you never really had much problem with Leah until you imprinted, until even the sight of her made you question everything that you believed to be true."

And then I say it, the words I've been trying to deny all along. "What if the legends are wrong, Jared? What if there is a way out?"

He looks disgusted that I'd even think it and I share his opinion of myself. I must be going insane because Emily means the whole world to me. She's perfection that I would never find again, even if I searched the entire world. "Forget I said anything," I mutter. "I'm just feeling----helpless."

Jared's expression softens and he nods. "It's okay, man. The past few days have been rough on everyone." He pauses as he walks away and looks at me over his shoulder. "Anyway, it doesn't matter because even if there is a way out, why would you want to take it?"

The question haunts me for the rest of the night.

* * *

Jacob's assurance that he doesn't want to fight makes me feel a little better. I know he's honest, even if he can be a stupid fucking idiot. I mean, who cares if he's a half inch taller than me and the blood of chiefs run through his veins? Leah was never that shallow anyway. We had a real connection.

But either way, I feel secure enough to send the others home. They go without question, glad to get back to their lives while I'm beginning to dread even waking up in the morning. Emily cooks a three course meal and I love her so much for the gesture that it makes me sick. Jared was right. This isn't fair on her. Leah Clearwater is a part of my past that I'm having trouble letting go of, that's all. I'll feel better when she's back with the pack and all this---uncertainty will go away. Emily is my future.

I take her hands in my own and smile at her. She returns it with a grin of her own. I stand up, lifting her arm and pulling her round to me. "I'm sorry," I whisper against her hair. "I know I've worried you over the past few days and I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she whispers back and I lean down and kiss her. Her lips are thinner than Leah's but I forget the comparison as soon as it springs to mind. I repeat her name in my head. Emily, Emily, Emily. My everything. She kisses me back with surprising urgency and I pull her gently towards the bedroom.

What happens next is perfect. I go to sleep knowing that tomorrow, I'll see things more clearly...that the only person who haunts my every thought is the woman beside me. When all this is done, when the others are home, I'll make her my wife and we can begin our life together. I dream of the children we'll have. My love has been renewed and tomorrow, I'll feel better.


	3. Part Three

**Disclaimer**: Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

**Summary**: Sam's composure cracks after Leah's desertion from the pack. Told in three parts.

* * *

**Part Three**

* * *

I feel like shit.

I went to sleep last night thinking that by morning, things would be back to normal. Well, looking over at my_ fiancee_ and thinking _what the fuck am I doing here with you?_, is as far from normal as it gets. Our lovemaking last night was supposed to have fixed everything and why do I hear Leah's voice in my head calling me a pussy for even referring to it as lovemaking?

That was something I used to do when I was with her right? Only it's not. A quick scan of my recovered memories informs me that I never referred to it as lovemaking because Leah thought it was too flowery and I thought it was kind of cheesy and now I'm beginning to sound like a fucking robot. Scan of my recovered memories, indeed.

How could I forget that? How could I forget the way that she curled against my chest when it was over? How could I forget how sweet she looked in the morning with her mouth slightly open and her hair all messy?

None of that is even a factor with Emily. Everything is perfect with her. From the scars on her face to the state of her hair in the morning. I spend an hour, trying to think of something about Emily that isn't perfect and I can't come up with one lousy thing. How can that be normal? With Leah, I had a list as long as my arm. I didn't like the way she flat out refused to talk to me when she was pissed. It really annoyed me when she would 'borrow' my razors to shave her legs and I absolutely hated the way she ate her pizza with a knife and fork.

All the little stupid annoyances that didn't matter because I'd loved her anyway. All the stuff I was willing to put up with because it there was no pain compared to being without her. All the things by which the worth of normal relationships are measured and I didn't have any of that with Emily. I would love Emily no matter what because she was right for me. I had no choice.

And knowing that only makes things worse because I know I'll love Emily until the day I die. I know that no one will ever compare.

Jared storms through the door. "Bella's had the baby." I stand automatically, waiting for Jared to continue. Whatever he has to say must be pretty urgent. "I talked to Leah," he continues. I manage to contain the urge to ask how she is. I have to get past my feelings for her, for her sake as much as my own. Jared waits for me to jump in but when I don't he carries on.

"Jacob imprinted on her."

My heart sinks. So much for getting past it. "How is that possible? The imprint only happens after the wolf sees her for the first time. Jacob's seen Leah since he phased."

"What?" Jared asks. He looks confused but his expression shifts into one of understanding. "Not on Leah, you obsessed freak. He imprinted on the spaw----on the baby." My relief must show because Jared punches me right in the jaw. I stagger back, the impulse to strike back overwhelmed by my shock.

"Would you take a fucking look at yourself?" he yells. "Jacob has imprinted on a fucking hybrid, your pack thinks that you're losing your mind and all you can think about is Leah. Get over it, Sam....she has."

"What do you mean? How?" I ask, earning myself another punch. He's really going to have to stop hitting me. Even my composure has limits.

"She happy!" He roars, "HAPPY! For the first time since you broke her heart and fucked her life up, she's happy. Jacob's made her his Beta and she doesn't have to put up with you and Emily anymore. Hell, she's not happy, she's fucking delirious."

Past my blurred vision, I see an opportunity to confirm everything that I've been so sure of. Emily might not be able to tell me the truth but Jared will. "It was my fault, wasn't it, Jar?" I don't even have to explain what I mean.

"Yes," he spits. "Are you happy now? It was your fault. Yours _and_ Emily's fault that Leah is an evil bitter shrew. Her biggest failure was loving you both too much that she let it twist her. She should have gotten past it years ago and now she's doing just that and you want to drag her back into it?" His anger fades and his shoulders slump in defeat but he still gives it one last shot. "You gotta let her go, Sam. It's not fair."

I want to shriek and whine that it's not fair on me either. If it was, I would have been able to choose. If it was fair, I'd be able to love Emily and watch Leah move on and be happy but it's not fucking fair, it's never been fair.

I phase, right there in the living room, knocking vases and side tables as I barge past Jared in an attempt for the door. This room, this house is closing in around me and my only instinct is to get away, to run away from it. I head straight for the forest, a short distance from Emily's house and only when I'm in deep do I phase back. I hide beneath the undergrowth. I won't leave until I'm sure and when the imprint calls me back, I'll deny it. It's the only way to find out the truth.

Rain begins to fall, washing away my trail, making it near impossible for the others to find me. As long as I stay human, they won't be able to track me. Protected by my shelter of leaves and twigs and thorns, I fall asleep, dreaming of memories that I thought I'd forgotten.

* * *

Night has fallen by the time I awake. I stumble out of the undergrowth, thorns tearing at my skin but none of it compares to the heavy swell of pain inside my chest. The rain still falls, beating a steady rhytmn on my bare skin. My clothes are gone, shredded by the sheer bulk of the wolf but I don't feel cold. I don't even wonder how I'm going to make it back into town with my reputation as a sane, well balanced individual in tact. Instead, I run for the beach.

The beach where Leah and I used to play together as kids. The beach we used to walk along holding hands. I look up at the cliffs that were used to tell legends, to celebrate a history that has done nothing but ruin my life. I walk towards the water and even now I can see beauty in the way the moonlight settles upon the ocean. I've forgotten just how beautiful it could be, I've been living in the sun for so long.

It hits me just how twisted it is, how much I've been forced to give up. Not just Leah but the world around me. The moon, the stars---Emily outshines them all but she still can't compare to their sheer majesty. Their power. I can't appreciate the sunset or the sound of birds in the morning because Emily is the only beauty I am able to see.

The rain continues to beat down upon me, waves crashing against my legs. I wade in deeper, not even caring how out of my depth I'm getting. Why worry? Why worry when nothing can hurt me? Why give a shit when I'm just a fucking pawn, an instrument of fate? Even if I die tonight, it doesn't matter. There'll be another to replace me. Another soldier plucked from the production line. Stripped of everything he is; his only reward a life he never would have asked for anyway.

Maybe death is my only way out. The only way I can be me again. I could find myself a pretty fucking cloud and look down on the girl I chose, and love her without restriction. I could love her with all my heart. I could be the man she deserves.

I kneel down until I'm resting on sand and I savor the feeling, the _power_, of the sea as it tries to pull me under. For once, I give in. I relax, I stop fighting and I sink, letting the force of pure, true beauty take me over. I feel more peacful than I should, considering just how risky this is but I can't bring myself to care. It's worth the gamble just for this feeling alone. I let go and stop thinking. I let the water pull at me until it feels like I'm coming apart and only when my lungs begin to burn do I break the surface.

I'm amazed by what is waiting for me. The whole world seems new. I tip my head back and look towards the inky black sky, the abscense of human sound echoing in my ears. Everything is so still and silent but the air is alive around me. I feel---connected again. Reattached to the earth around me. I feel giddy and excited because now I'm unsure of what is waiting for me. I have no idea what's around the corner. My future is a blank canvas again, just waiting for me to pick my colours and get to work.

Then I remember everything that has happened, I remember everything I've done and I feel a stab of pain so sharp I think I might be dying. "Leah," her name springs to my lips instinctively. Every moment shared between us comes back to me, as clear and beautiful as if it happened only yesterday. God, I've hurt her so badly.

The thought brings tears to my eyes and I bury my face in my hands, not even bothering to try and deny my thick, heavy sobs. Only one question makes it past my lips.

"What have I done?"

* * *

I run all the way home, both excited and terrified by this new lease of life. I feel strong and whole and I honestly believe I can take on the world and win. I'm part of this world again and having been trapped, I can appreciate it's beauty so much more.

Mrs Call raises her eyebrows in shock as I run past her stark naked but I don't care. I can't care. It's natural, all natural and I rejoice in it. That's all I can do.

I don't know what I'll say to Emily. I don't feel angry at her. How could I? She wasn't the only one who bought into the lie and I've hurt her in ways she will never heal from, but I can't waste my freedom. And I don't want to keep her tied to me by a lie. She's not my choice, she never was. My choice is probably huddled in a briar patch trying to stay warm, eating grass in an effort to ward off guilt she feels too easily.

The others are there; Jared and Kim. Paul and Rachel. Quil. What if mine isn't the only life that will change tonight?

Emily has her back to me when I burst through the door but even looking at that mane of thick, black hair, my heart sinks. I will her not to turn around because I can feel it all pulling away from me already. The unfairness of it makes me want to scream out and phase and break everything. I want Leah, I need Leah and in a split second, the amount of time it take for Emily to turn her head and give me that sweet smile, I forget Leah.

My fire flickers to sparks and I realise that my freedom was an illusion at best. How could I ever be anywhere but here? How could I ever want to?

The last free thought I am allowed is probably the same one that made Leah run. No matter how hard I fought this, I was never going to win.

* * *

**_fin_**


End file.
